I meant to write a blog for Geekfest, and I did..but I never posted it. Because I fail. And that would’ve been my only positive blog so far..because again this is about me being melodramatic.
And now out of paranoia Im not able to write to my hearts desire...I have this blog as a relief, a place to vent the things I keep inside and tell no one...but apparently friends are finding it...ugh..which makes me hate people even more. Leave me alone, I dont want you in my life..I just want...to be myself without anyone there to judge me. (to the smartasses out there, anyone I know, who actually matters)
It’s been 2 years and 9 months since that happened and even though I had recovery periods, it seems like it wasnt enough. Every day I think about it and every day I fight with myself over what Im going to do the day we speak again. I cant decide whether I should be excited or scared. All this inner turmoil is killing me, my headaches have been getting more and more painful, I almost collapsed at work Sunday. I cant stop myself from thinking about him, I miss him so much...but its so unfair to Tal. He has no idea that it crosses my mind as much as he does, maybe even more. Im not sure if I believe in being able to be in love with more than one person but if its not possible Im pretty fuckin close. The little things remind me of him, music, colors, clothes, smells, words.....always constant reminders of what I can never have. Its so heart-wrenching. I cant let it go, no matter how hard I try.. I have his picture, I have our picture...it brought a bit of happiness to my heart that I thought was lost forever... I'll never have that happiness again...and thats going to tear me to pieces.
