.two-faced lovers.

I meant to write a blog for Geekfest, and I did..but I never posted it. Because I fail. And that would’ve been my only positive blog so far..because again this is about me being melodramatic.

And now out of paranoia Im not able to write to my hearts desire...I have this blog as a relief, a place to vent the things I keep inside and tell no one...but apparently friends are finding it...ugh..which makes me hate people even more. Leave me alone, I dont want you in my life..I just want...to be myself without anyone there to judge me. (to the smartasses out there, anyone I know, who actually matters)

It’s been 2 years and 9 months since that happened and even though I had recovery periods, it seems like it wasnt enough. Every day I think about it and every day I fight with myself over what Im going to do the day we speak again. I cant decide whether I should be excited or scared. All this inner turmoil is killing me, my headaches have been getting more and more painful, I almost collapsed at work Sunday. I cant stop myself from thinking about him, I miss him so much...but its so unfair to Tal. He has no idea that it crosses my mind as much as he does, maybe even more. Im not sure if I believe in being able to be in love with more than one person but if its not possible Im pretty fuckin close. The little things remind me of him, music, colors, clothes, smells, words.....always constant reminders of what I can never have. Its so heart-wrenching. I cant let it go, no matter how hard I try.. I have his picture, I have our picture...it brought a bit of happiness to my heart that I thought was lost forever... I'll never have that happiness again...and thats going to tear me to pieces.

.a radius of 85cm is the distance i can reach.

It's already August and I've only written 2 entries in my blog. The first one wasn't even a blog, and the second one is a poem. -sigh- In case you havent noticed, I will be drawing a picture for each one..it helps me practice and makes me stretch my imagination.

This entry is about my disappointment in..my friends.

I turned 20 on the 13th of this month. I didn't do anything to celebrate. 2 of my best friends were on vacation and the last one was out doing whatever. She took me to get ice cream(she didn't pay for it) and then I slept at her house. I had to leave early so she could go work. This is all I did. Literally. I sat around in my room responding to about 50 happy birthday messages on Facebook until 845pm. These are my best friends of 10 years and thats all that happened. No presents, no party. Those things aren't that important to me, mind you, but if I had done this to them, they would've bitched. I guess I just wanted to spend time with someone... Everyone's always too busy when I ask to hang out.. Or worse, we make plans and something comes up. Never for me, it's always them bailing. All of my online friends were excited for me and wanted my birthday to be special, but no one in real life... My boyfriend forgot my birthday completely. He was on a mission, but I'd had hoped he would remember when he got back. I dropped a few hints but... he didn't catch on at all. He was my last hope at something significant happening. I guess it just goes to show that every person in your life is bound to let you down...

I've been taking off days for the past 2 months for this party one of my friends is supposed to be having. She keeps cancelling and rescheduling it though, cutting into my hours for work(which I completely need). I'm to the point where I'm done asking for days off, if I can't make it, that sucks. I don't even wanna talk about how one of my best guy friends has been acting like a complete asshole for the past month and I. am. tired. of it. It's ridiculous, I'm the most reliable person I know. I have accomplished nothing this entire summer. I've just been waiting around on my useless friends. They've had their fun and been out and around, but why have I just been in my house, online? I need new friends, this is pathetic. I just feel like I'm the only person who cares about another's happiness, and I'd like someone to care about mine. The only thing I have left to look forward to is Geekfest 2010 but knowing me, it'll be cancelled or I won't be able to go.


Maybe being born on the 13th is unlucky after all..

freebirds.

alone and restless in my cage
i watch with envy freebirds in flight
performing my dance upon my stage
it's only an act for another's delight

these wings of mine are torn and broken
i've hid in doubt since day one
but in your eyes i've been unfrozen
the lock of this prison now undone

a step outside this rusty door
you've been with me from the start
while in your arms i need no more
i've found my wings within your heart

abandon my swing, no bars in my sky
as long as you're mine, i know i can fly

DEAR YOU

[Though I wrote this months ago, I never sent this letter to the person in question, and I no longer harbor the same feelings, but I might as well put it in my blog. I doubt anyone will ever read this anyways P:]

To Him,

How've you been?? I often wonder about you, whether or not you believe it, I still care very deeply for you. I've gathered that you now have a liscense, or at least can drive. It's great to see you're in school, what are you aiming to become?? Do you have a job now, if so, how long have you been there and do you like it? I'd ask where you work but you probably don't want me to know haha. I really miss being with you, you're an amazing person. People can only see your exterior, but I know deep down you're insecure and sensitive. You have a great heart and I wish everyone could see that part of you. I'd love to say that I miss you everyday, but in truth, it's only sometimes... When I see you I still get incredibly shy though, do you know I've always been a little scared of you? Not because you threaten me, but more or less because of how much power and influence you have on me. Even when we were dating, I'd stand outside your door for maybe 10 minutes before actually ringing the doorbell. Remember when you asked me why I loved you and how did I know?? I couldn't answer for sure then because, I didn't know how or why!! I just knew that I loved you. Well, a while back, I actually wrote it down. Not all of it, that'd be way too hard haha. I wrote down all the little things that you did that made me love you. It's a rather long list, hidden in private blog of mine on myspace. I'll never share it with you because it's embarassing. Rereading it though, almost makes me want to do it all over again hahah... For future reference though, if you want to know if you love someone think about this... Who's happiness is more important, yours or theirs? When you're with them, do you feel warm and complete?? Do you feel like you're almost addicted to them? These 3 questions will help you determine for sure...because I know you're confused about your own heart alot. I have no idea why I'd want to tell you this though... In all honesty, I'm not even sure how I feel about you. I'm sure that I care about you, and I'm sure that I miss being your friend but... More than that? I don't know. I know that I miss your kisses, and if you offered one I'd accept it in a heartbeat. On the other hand, I know we could never be more than friends, and that I definately don't want to be in a relationship with you... That sounds mean, but I have no idea how to reword it. I can't date you again, no matter how hard I tried. Not because of the negative response my friends would give me, and it surely isn't out of pride. It's not even out of fear that you might hurt me again. There is just simply a mental wall that forbids me from being with you. I try to overcome and cross this wall many times, but it's impossible. What am I looking for from you? I have no idea. Not a relationship, not just a friendship. It could be possible that we can never be friends because of how much you mean to me. Or maybe that's what I need to set my mind straight, simply your friendship. I'm constantly confused about you because I can't see or tell how you feel. Don't get me wrong, I do know you. I know you better than I would like to. Everything about you is clear to me, except how you feel towards me. I'm so lost when it comes to that. I tell myself you pretend I don't exist. I don't know why you do this, maybe because I've hurt you and you don't want to relive that pain whenever we speak or because you simply didn't care enough to want me in your life. I try to give you the benefit of the doubt. And since I'm talking about how you feel, I've always been under the impression that you were upset at me for reasons involving _____... I'll tell you right now, I don't regret it, for if it'd been you I would be a complete emotional wreck right about now. But regardless, I wanted to apologize. I'm really very sorry. Due to him, I didn't think you even cared, and I really did want you most. If I could redo that day I would but I can't so I'll live with it. Ignore this apology if you were unaffected by my decision but if I hurt you in the slightest, I'm truly very sorry. This may come across as cliche', but you have and will always mean alot to me...How you feel about me now is clear: I'm just that girl who can't get over you, and you want me out of your life so you can move on. So why am I confused?? I'll ask you this, but I don't want you to be offended or hurt that I think this way. I used to always believe your words, but when I'm told otherwise by someone who knows you well, I just don't know. When we were dating, did you even care about me at all? To me, you were my everything, I loved everything about you, all your flaws and quirks. You made me the happiest person in the world. I'd stand by you no matter what, as long as you were happy. I loved you so much. Is it really true that you felt nothing? That you were with me because I was there? I can't believe that. When you said I love you, I know you meant it. I know when you broke up with me, it wasn't because it was just infatuation. I know you were scared. But why can't I believe you anymore? He told me. He told me everything. From day one, I was only a convinience for you. The girl who would always love you. So you use her. She'll forgive you, it's okay. She'll get over it. I never mattered, we weren't ever compatible. We only dated because you were tired of being alone. I can't tell you how hard it is not to believe him. He has no reason to lie. If we can't be friends, if you don't ever want to speak to me again, if you ignore every other thing I've written in this letter, at least tell me this. Was it really all just a huge lie? Answer me that, and I'll accept it, move on, and never speak to you again.

I will always cherish you.