DEAR YOU

[Though I wrote this months ago, I never sent this letter to the person in question, and I no longer harbor the same feelings, but I might as well put it in my blog. I doubt anyone will ever read this anyways P:]

To Him,

How've you been?? I often wonder about you, whether or not you believe it, I still care very deeply for you. I've gathered that you now have a liscense, or at least can drive. It's great to see you're in school, what are you aiming to become?? Do you have a job now, if so, how long have you been there and do you like it? I'd ask where you work but you probably don't want me to know haha. I really miss being with you, you're an amazing person. People can only see your exterior, but I know deep down you're insecure and sensitive. You have a great heart and I wish everyone could see that part of you. I'd love to say that I miss you everyday, but in truth, it's only sometimes... When I see you I still get incredibly shy though, do you know I've always been a little scared of you? Not because you threaten me, but more or less because of how much power and influence you have on me. Even when we were dating, I'd stand outside your door for maybe 10 minutes before actually ringing the doorbell. Remember when you asked me why I loved you and how did I know?? I couldn't answer for sure then because, I didn't know how or why!! I just knew that I loved you. Well, a while back, I actually wrote it down. Not all of it, that'd be way too hard haha. I wrote down all the little things that you did that made me love you. It's a rather long list, hidden in private blog of mine on myspace. I'll never share it with you because it's embarassing. Rereading it though, almost makes me want to do it all over again hahah... For future reference though, if you want to know if you love someone think about this... Who's happiness is more important, yours or theirs? When you're with them, do you feel warm and complete?? Do you feel like you're almost addicted to them? These 3 questions will help you determine for sure...because I know you're confused about your own heart alot. I have no idea why I'd want to tell you this though... In all honesty, I'm not even sure how I feel about you. I'm sure that I care about you, and I'm sure that I miss being your friend but... More than that? I don't know. I know that I miss your kisses, and if you offered one I'd accept it in a heartbeat. On the other hand, I know we could never be more than friends, and that I definately don't want to be in a relationship with you... That sounds mean, but I have no idea how to reword it. I can't date you again, no matter how hard I tried. Not because of the negative response my friends would give me, and it surely isn't out of pride. It's not even out of fear that you might hurt me again. There is just simply a mental wall that forbids me from being with you. I try to overcome and cross this wall many times, but it's impossible. What am I looking for from you? I have no idea. Not a relationship, not just a friendship. It could be possible that we can never be friends because of how much you mean to me. Or maybe that's what I need to set my mind straight, simply your friendship. I'm constantly confused about you because I can't see or tell how you feel. Don't get me wrong, I do know you. I know you better than I would like to. Everything about you is clear to me, except how you feel towards me. I'm so lost when it comes to that. I tell myself you pretend I don't exist. I don't know why you do this, maybe because I've hurt you and you don't want to relive that pain whenever we speak or because you simply didn't care enough to want me in your life. I try to give you the benefit of the doubt. And since I'm talking about how you feel, I've always been under the impression that you were upset at me for reasons involving _____... I'll tell you right now, I don't regret it, for if it'd been you I would be a complete emotional wreck right about now. But regardless, I wanted to apologize. I'm really very sorry. Due to him, I didn't think you even cared, and I really did want you most. If I could redo that day I would but I can't so I'll live with it. Ignore this apology if you were unaffected by my decision but if I hurt you in the slightest, I'm truly very sorry. This may come across as cliche', but you have and will always mean alot to me...How you feel about me now is clear: I'm just that girl who can't get over you, and you want me out of your life so you can move on. So why am I confused?? I'll ask you this, but I don't want you to be offended or hurt that I think this way. I used to always believe your words, but when I'm told otherwise by someone who knows you well, I just don't know. When we were dating, did you even care about me at all? To me, you were my everything, I loved everything about you, all your flaws and quirks. You made me the happiest person in the world. I'd stand by you no matter what, as long as you were happy. I loved you so much. Is it really true that you felt nothing? That you were with me because I was there? I can't believe that. When you said I love you, I know you meant it. I know when you broke up with me, it wasn't because it was just infatuation. I know you were scared. But why can't I believe you anymore? He told me. He told me everything. From day one, I was only a convinience for you. The girl who would always love you. So you use her. She'll forgive you, it's okay. She'll get over it. I never mattered, we weren't ever compatible. We only dated because you were tired of being alone. I can't tell you how hard it is not to believe him. He has no reason to lie. If we can't be friends, if you don't ever want to speak to me again, if you ignore every other thing I've written in this letter, at least tell me this. Was it really all just a huge lie? Answer me that, and I'll accept it, move on, and never speak to you again.

I will always cherish you.